potential weapons for a music festival

visited the 'city is ours' festival this saturday, at the terrain of the haagse hogeschool in the hague. music was good (digitalism, goose, freeform five) but the execution of the whole thing was kind of sketchy. it started at the door, where there was only one bouncer to search everybody. in these times of threat level red/orange/pink/whatever it is most important to make sure that nobody with evil intentions gets into your music festival, so there better be a good check. by one guy for 5000 people.

anyway, the festival was called 'the city is ours' because MTV (the great company that brought us room raiders, taildaters and other left-ear-in-right-ear-out programs) claimed that with organizing it, it would show the city how freedom, love and happiness could unite a city. for 30 euros though. on an island with a big fence around it... what struck me however, was that when you ordered a coke, you got one in a bottle. nothing wrong with it, you'd say, if you ignore the fact that they gave you a capless bottle. can i please have the cap, i asked. i'm sorry sir, the bartender said, we can't give you the cap because you can use it as a weapon then.

stop right there.

who would ever use this



as a weapon?? it's a goddamn freakin' PLASTIC coke bottle. we're not made of sugar are we? not allowing me to have a cap on my coke bottle is about the only reason that makes me want to use it as a weapon instead of something like:

A FESTIVAL FLYER



festival flyers piss me off, even more than dutch schlager songs inbetween performances. there's just too many of them, most of them are ugly and i don't want to go to a party with bubbling beats. festival flyers kill by the power of numbers, very very large numbers.

KIDS



why in the name of god would you want to bring your kids to a festival. if i come home, i am bruised, battered and kind of drunk. i don't want to imagine what could happen to your kids. plus, they run around too much. kids can be lethal in that they annoy other people that come to you to beat you up instead of your kids. i mean, they do look quite right?

NICKELBACK



simply seeing this photo makes me wanna kill myself.

FOOD



festival food is a slow killer. and it's a very nihilistic and existential one. only the next day, when you try to summarize all the beverages and snacks you consumed during the festival, and you suddenly realize that you probably ate stuff that even pigs ignore, you feel very small. festival food is normally made from the stuff they scrape off the bottom of frying pans, and then moulded, sprayed or pasted into a shape that more or less resembles regular food.

if there is anything that should not be allowed at a festival, it should be festival food.